Reunion

This friend of mine is visiting from US and she suggested that we organize a college reunion. Five years since we graduated, it will be interesting to meet everyone. This isn't a school reunion and everyone is more or less in the same profession so I was wondering what parameters they might use to judge others. I mean take any reunion movie, the nerds become super rich, the not so pretty turn into beautiful swans and the bullies end up as real life losers. We were all nerdy so its slightly harder to identify a 'success story'.

Here is a list of parameters I could come up with (I don't necessarily use these to judge others)

Is married

Married college sweet heart

Has kids

Living abroad

Studied further

Survived recession

Owns a Car

Owns a house

Gave up job to pursue dream/passion

Excelled in any other field
Aged well

I score pretty less in all above departments (except maybe the last one) but then I am not competing :P
Also while listing this I realized we often use such parameters to judge people we don't know well but not our close friends. Our friends, we revel in their success however small and grieve for their losses. For us they are always winners. Next time I brand someone as a failure, I'll remember that person could have been a friend.

Read-Only

Observing people is what I do best, I love being the bystander watching the world go by. I have been on read-only mode for past few days on twitter and facebook and I recommend that you do it too sometime. Resist that urge to say something and let others have their say. If you can manage to filter out the noise you will find people who inspire, people who do make a difference. Even conversations (between others) seem more interesting, many a times we are so bent upon getting our point across we fail to understand what others want to convey. As a silent observer, its easier to be non judgemental and unbiased. The downside of this read-only behaviour is that I tend to get too passive and derive amusement out of this rather than going out there and doing something myself. But once in a while, it is good to shut up and just listen.

Conversations

Them : We have to discuss this. Please let me know if 8:00 pm is a suitable time for you.
me : How about we schedule it in the morning, 10:00 am?
Them : No, I am not free. Please let me know if 8:00 pm is a suitable time for you.
me : Ok then, how about at 9:00 pm?
Them : I have a meeting. Please let me know if 8:00 pm is a suitable time for you.
me : Ok, it is.

----

Them : This is the design we came up with, please let me know if you have any suggestions.
me : Umm, it looks a bit complicated, how about we do this instead?
Them : No, it has already been approved and finalized by higher management and their higher management and by God himself. Nothing you ever say will make any difference, please let me know if you have any suggestions.
me : It looks good.

----

Escaping Reality

Is that even possible? Can one pause time, take a break from life and escape into a world unreal? Yet, many back home tell me that I am doing just that by being here. I am not escaping anything. The people I've met, the places I've seen, the lifetime of memories I've collected, those strong emotions, they are real. Unfortunately unless you have reached the milestones set by others for you, no matter what you do or achieve is as good as doing nothing at all. They mean nothing. I should learn to care less but it makes me sad. And in the process of convincing others I wonder if I am convincing myself. This is real. How can it be anything else?

Best Friends

I get to meet a lot of people because I frequently move in and out of projects at work. Which is a good thing you might say but it is also increasingly difficult to keep up the friendship. The last time I made best friends was in Hyderabad, almost four years back. And only one later, no wait four more in the last four years. I need more best friends, not just friends.

Thank you!

This place has been kind to me so far. I've settled in. I've made friends. I have fun, sometimes I think way too much. I am lucky. Lucky to have a job in these times. Lucky to have found the people around me. Lucky to have gotten this opportunity. I am thankful. I really am.

Stepney

You were introduced to Glue sometime back, now to introduce a new term called the stepney. Does it often happen to you that you have made plans for the weekend with someone and they got canceled at the last minute, thanks to the other party? There is a good chance you might have been his/her stepney. Meaning you were that person's alternate plan and his/her last minute cancellation is an indication is that his/her primary plan has worked. I often end up being people's stepney and am stuck at home sulking most of the time. Its not fun being a stepney. While I myself have an embarrassing record of canceling on people I'd like to believe they were for genuine reasons and I usually let them know in advance that such a thing might/will happen. The extreme opposite of stepney is the kind of person who gets invited everywhere. I know one such person and I envy him so very much. I don't think he has ever initiated anything yet he gets to go on the most awesome trips. I cant exactly point out what it is that he has but some people are just born as main tyres.

In other news, what a start this year has seen! All the enthusiasm and optimism that I could muster at the beginning of the year has now successfully gone down the stinking drain. Anyhoo don't be a stepney, demand for commitment!

On being a loser

Early this year I entered a poetry competition at work. I am no writer and certainly not a poet but I gave it a shot anyway. I figured that I probably had a small chance of winning because I was competing against my colleagues, how many software engineers wrote poetry anyway? I didn't win. But I wouldn't settle for it. They had only announced the winners, I wrote to the people who organized it to publish the winning poems so that everyone could appreciate it. Real reason was I wanted proof that the winning poems were indeed better than mine. They never responded. I then wrote to the winner congratulating him and asked him if I could read his work. He didn't respond either. I gave up after that but I concluded that there was something fishy. The winner knew the organizer perhaps. Or maybe he his work was not original and he had fooled the judges.

Yesterday we (we were a team of 2) lost at a coding challenge at work. I wont go into the details of how I think it was unfair and how we deserved to win. That will defeat the purpose of this post. What really happened was we ran out of luck, my partner thinks it was because God was angry with her. After the contest I called a friend who on hearing the news said girls cant code anyway. I wanted to murder him. Today my manager tells me he was expecting us win. It hurts. As you might have guessed by now I am not good at this losing thing. In this case what also mattered was who I lost to. Last month I lost a promotion to the same guy who won y'day. If he wasn't a good friend I would have hated him. It is not validation that I need, I know exactly where I stand. But I guess I was using this contest as forum to prove myself and it hurts because I failed at that. This might just be a silly contest but thinking about how I have reacted to all major setbacks in my life, I do exactly the same thing. I cry foul, I sulk and I mope and then I spring back to normal. I don't have a problem about the sulking and moping but I guess the crying foul has to stop. I might be wise and responsible but I still have some growing up to do. And I need to put a leash on my ego before it goes out of hand. That or I need to win more often ;)

The Tag in which I talk about that four letter word

I am tagged. And its called ahem, 'The love tag' *blush*. Of all the things I could write about now, relationships is one topic I don't want to touch upon. But see rule 2 below. Since I am such a stickler for rules I'll let go of my guard and do just that. Rinchen, I hate you for making me do this.

RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

RULE #2 Tag 6 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. If your lover betrayed you what would your reaction be?
I'll walk out and think of ways to hurt him back. When I am done with the crying and plotting I'll get on with life.

2. If you have a dream come true, what would it be?
I'd want to go back in time and set few things right.

3. If you could, whose butt would you like to kick?
Theres only one person I can think of right now. And I cant mention him here.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
I'd buy a private jet and go beach hopping.

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
I am very much the fall in love with your best friend kinda person. But the problem is if break up you also lose your best friend.

6. Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?
Being loved.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you love?
I wouldn't wait.

8. If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do?
Bitch about the one he is attached to and then go find someone else to secretly like.

9. If you could root for one social cause, what would it be?
This question makes me feel guilty. I used to volunteer at a children's home near by. I don't anymore but yeah it would have to do with providing basic education for kids. Theres so much talent out there its a pity lot of it goes wasted.

10. Do you lie?
Yes sometimes. Harmless ones.

11. Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?
I cant see myself 3 months from now, 10 years is too far ahead. I hope I have enough stories to tell from all that I have done in the next 10 years.

12. What’s your fear?
Being lost, not finding my way out.

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Rinchen, Shes witty, forthright and intelligent. So much I can tell from her writing and I love her blog! She also has good taste because we seem to have a lot in common.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?

I am single and rich. Why cant I be married and rich?

15. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick?
I somehow don't find myself in such situations.

16. Would you give all in a relationship?
Yes. Its not a relationship if you don't.

17. Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has done?
Nope. Refer question 1.

18. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?
Being in a relationship because that way there is always someone even if at times you have to hate that someone.

19. Your all time favourite song. Only ONE. And why?

The song from an old hindi movie that goes like this :

Aa chal ke tujhe, main le ke chaluun ik aise gagan ke tale jahan gam bhii na ho, aansoo
bhi na ho bas pyaar hii pyaar pale

It talks about a better place. And someone taking you there. Its nice.

Too much mush. I am glad this is done.

And I tag only two people (who also happen to be my bestest buddies) so you guys have to do it 3 times each! Sorry no breaking the rules.

realistic dreamer : Time you started writing again.

raven : This will be your very first tag! Aren't you glad I tagged you now?

What have you been up to?

'But what have you been doing all these years? Where have you been?'
I felt then as if I had been called upon to justify the entirety of my existence, to account for the years I had spent here.

-Excerpt from Amitav Ghosh's The Hungry Tide.

The reason I keep low these days mostly on social networking sites is because more often than not people ask me the same question; 'What have you been up to?'. And I feel exactly the same way the author describes in that passage. That people want me to justify the time I've spent. Don't get me wrong, I am always asking people the same question as a conversation starter but when I am asked this its not so much that person wants to know what I have been up to but mostly why I haven't been doing things people my age should be doing. Maybe I am reading too much into this, maybe I am disappointed with the answers I come up with, maybe I am really not happy with what I have been up to, what ever it is, it is one question that I have begun to dread.

What I'd really like my answers to be like when someone asks me next :

I have been touring the Bahamas.

I have been busy with research work for my PhD.

I have been busy signing a deal with umm [insert rich business tycoon/celebrity name]

I have been working on a script for a new television show.

I have been preparing for my speech that I'll be giving at [insert prestigious university name].

You get the point.

Anyhoo, to deviate from the topic I have always been very prejudiced when it came to Indian authors. I have avoided them on the pretext that most write unnecessarily complicated, long and boring books. The last book I liked was Shashi Tharoor's Riot (This was before people knew him and it was okay to say you liked him in public). The Hungry tide has changed my opinion, I am now shopping for more of Amitav Ghosh's books and will also catch up with other good authors whose books I have missed.

So what have you been up to?

Fashion Advice

At the bus stop a girl aged around 12 years takes an interest in me and this is the conversation that ensued.

Girl : Why do you wear pant and shirt, I think you look good in chudidhars.
Me : Erm, have you seen me before?
Girl : No this is the first time I'm seeing you.
Me : But this is a kurta, not a shirt.
Girl : I still think you'll look good in chudidhaars.

Sigh. Fashion police everywhere. At least she didn't say I looked bad in what I was wearing.

Another chapter ends

Quick notes on happenings and my experience working out of a client location in the last 3 months.

1. I felt valued again after a long time.
2. My ego which had taken a beating got a nice boost.
3. Met some really cool and interesting people.
4. Figured out exactly the kind of work I want to do.
5. Was admired and I couldn't understand why.
6. Learnt that I can sit through a 3 hr journey within the city doing nothing.
7. Saw how a big international corporate giant works. Not sure I like it.
8. Realized eating alone sucks more that I thought it would.
9. Gained 3 kilos.
10. Lost an umbrella.
11. Realized people problems are everywhere.
12. Found a new role model.
13. Realized that documentation is not so bad.
14. My public speaking skills improved though it still needs a lot of work.
15. Wrote my first ever farewell mail.
16. Not a single person asked me why I wasn't married yet. (except my classmate from college who I met but he doesn't count.)
17. Bridget Jones Moments were only two, when I almost fell out of the bus and when my umbrella went flying during a conversation with the boss.

Sigh. Time to move on.

Glue

Are you friends with someone because he/she is a good friend of your friend. You know, A knows B, and B knows C. So A knows C. A, B and C hang out together and have a good time though if B is not around A and C are just ok, not that great together. B is the glue.

I am glue to few small groups but most importantly I know many glues and hence know quite a few people through the glues. But off late I am been lying low. Not doing a good job as glue. And not keeping in touch with glues. My social circle is thinning rapidly and this is not good news. All this because I have not been blogging/gtalking/orkut-facebooking/phoning as much.

So why have I been lying low? No apparent reason. Just. The change that I was dreading turned out to be great. Excellent, in fact. I am now a firm believer of the age old saying change is good. More on it later.

Anyhoo are you glue? Or more of a glue-befriender?

Kyunki padosi bhi humans hai

Yesterday night as I prepared to turn to bed, I heard loud voices followed by sounds of wailing women. Curious and worried I looked out of the window only to see my neighbour's family fight right in the middle of the road. There was some yelling, name calling, scuffles and few tears. The girl was to get engaged the next day, an inter-cast wedding, a drunk father, a house full of relatives, the scene was set for a typical family drama except it wasn't happening behind close doors but in the open for all to see. I kept watching them for sometime guiltily, hiding behind the drapes. Trying to piece together what might be happening and guessing who was who. Soon I got bored, the voices drowned and the silence of the night took over.

The problem with Indian families is that we worry too much about others, what they think and this whole so called 'image'. We prefer pretending to be perfect and put up a show even if the pretending is causing more damage. When such a thing happens people sympathize but are secretly glad to know that they are not alone. That lives of others, green as it may seem is not always so.

I think we should all once in our lives come out in the open, scream/shout/fight and stop pretending to be perfect. Because no one is anyway.

Today, the girl's engagement party went on with pomp and show, no one in the family showing the slightest trace of what happened yesterday. Because thats one good thing about Indian families, we stick together no matter what, even if it is just to put up a face.

Out of my comfort zone

I wish I hadn't made this post. Starting Monday I have to travel 20km (or more?) to work. I am going to be positive about this though knowing that my plan backfired does bother me....just a little bit. Politics at work if nothing is vary vary interesting.

In other news, I am 19 according to the voters list. Good it feels.


Coming soon 'How to make best of 4 hrs (or more?) of travelling a day'. Watch this space.

Team Lunch

Organizing lunch for a group of 30 is a stressful affair. There are people opposing the location, cuisine, the seating, the lighting and just about everything. But then they (the hungry ravenous souls ) eat like theres no tomorrow. Stress apart, I now have to explain the exceeded budget to the PTBs on Monday. Bah!

Who is Raghuram?

Executive Producer of MTV Roadies/judge....yella ok, but who are you really? Just want to say, I love you. If I ever want to take up that course on psychology and human behavior seriously, I will come to you. Please be nice to me.

I don't forget conversations. I remember your every word, the way you said it, the awkward pause, the disappointment in your voice. And I play them in my head over and over until I want to hear it no more. Sometimes I wish I hadn't said the things I said. Sometimes I wish I had said it better.